Tuesday, October 02, 2007

My "Dear Ronald" letter

As promised:

Dear Ronald,

While I've always had a thing for redheads, I'm sorry but my heart belongs to another-- and no it's not that pigtailed skank, Wendy. It's the King. With his stylish brown hair, his long flowing cape and that bright constant smile... who could resist!

Besides, Ronald, there's something about you I just don't trust. I'm not a fan of the way you ditch your friends. It's been ages since I've seen Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar... And Grimace? Just because he's a bit on the obese side and has that rare skin disorder that gives him that soft violet complexion, you can't be his friend any more?! What hypocrisy! You're the one who made him that way! Okay, so maybe not the purple complexion, but the obesity. That's ALL you. All those Big Macs, McNuggets, Milkshakes, and Fries!

And your lack of fashion sense?!? McDonald, isn't that a Scottish surname? Have you ever thought of switching from those bright yellow overalls to a kilt in your family tartan? You could promote fries by tossing giant cabers in the shape of your fries. And what about a McHaggis? Embrace your heritage! Don't ignore it, don't run from it. And trust me you'd do substantially more business if you offered a single malt GlenRonald... I know I'd certainly reconsider my love affair with the King if I could get a nice peaty Scotch on the rocks from your fine dining establishments. It would certainly help wash down all the grease that saturates all of your menu items (except maybe the salads... although I'm sure you're working on ways to make your salads greasier... you're too hooked on the cow to forsake it for the rabbit food).

So if you want me to reconsider you'll have to change your ways you obnoxious redheaded prat!

Best regards,
Perplexio

3 comments:

Barbara (aka Layla) said...

you are too funny. I never liked Ronald either, he's not very appealingly

LoraLoo said...

LOL

Once I stopped laughing, I started to remember all the creepy BK commercials. That guy is the stuff nightmares are made of!!

Susan as herself said...

Dear Ronald,

Unlike Perplexio, I am not all that fond of red hair. Also, I am very choosy about clown costumes, and find baggy pants a bit passe. Lastly, I find your voice a tad grating.

However, when I stand you next to the creepy plaster-faced Burger King, and the freckly Wendy, and the goofy old Dennis the Menace logo from Dairy Queen, you don't seem all that bad. However, that doesn't mean I particularly care for your burgers. I find the meat a bit dry and bland.

On the upside, though, your meat is heads and shoulders above the crap-fest that is White Castle, which I have learned has lamb in it.

So, Ronald, while I don't hate you, I don't particularly like you either. Just don't touch me or force me to eat your food and we'll be OK.

Best, Susan