Friday, April 07, 2006

The Exorcism of My Car

There is a foul stench emanating from the deep dark vestiges of my 1991 Toyota Corolla. I've read the online tips, the "Hints from Heloise," "Advice from Ardyce," "Suggestions from Seamus," and various other household tips which are ever so ubiquitous on the Internet.

1) Replace the Air Freshener.

An overpowering pine-tree scent which nearly knocked me out from its sheer strength and lasted all of fifteen minutes before the demon stench of my car was able to chew up that smell and spit it right out the window.

2) Leave small container of vinegar open in the car overnight. The vinegar will absorb the odor.

NO, the vinegar will give me an incredibly irresistible jones for French Fries doused with a generous layer of vinegar... Oh and when the vinegar was removed the overpowering dank and musty/mildewy smell quickly returned and staled not just the smell of my car but also that intense jones for French Fries that the vinegar had caused me to develop.

3) Sprinkle baking soda on the upholstery. Wait 15 minutes and vaccum it up.

Note to self: Dustbusters do NOT like baking soda. After trying to vaccum the driver's seat the dustbuster started screaming "UNCLE" and summarily died on me. The baking soda DID help reduce the stench somewhat but because the dustbuster quit on me before I could finish vaccuming it up-- my car looks like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston used my car for a weekend coke bender and somehow forgot the location of their noses.

4) Place dryer sheets behind the driver's and passenger seats.

This may or may not actually be working, the net seemed to indicate it could take awhile before I'd be able to notice the results from this. My olfactories do not like nor do they agree with that grim prognosis.

5) Spray the car vigorously with de-odorizing spray.

From top to bottom, the upholstery, dashboard, floormats, under the floormats, under the seats, even the ceiling has been sprayed. This seems to have worked for the front of the car. Although the stench is still present in the back of my car. I also tossed a stronger air freshener under the driver's seat.

6) Hire an old priest, a young priest, a rabbi, and a proctologist (isn't this how most of the jokes in the Western World start out?).

The proctologist put on a rubber glove and stuck a couple fingers up the car's exhaust pipe seeing if he could determine anything. The old priest and the young priest started sprinkling holy water throughout the inside of the car. And the rabbi-- after thorough examination he determined my car was not kosher. Apparently he was able to deduce the previous owner of my car in addition to being a smoker drank triple mocha-lattes to wash down his ham & cheese bagels for breakfast every morning on the way too and from work.

Any other suggestions? anyone? anyone?


St. Dickeybird said...

That smell coming from your 1991 Toyota?
That's 1991. That's Kurt Cobain, Jesus Jones, and The Scorpions emanating from your vehicle.

Good luck - it took Courtney Love a decade to rid herself of that stench.

Green Eyes said...

Get another car??? *wink

Whitney and Bobby... ROFLMAO!!!

Perplexio said...

Dickeybird: If that's the case, I should probably do as Green Eyes suggests and get a new car. Because I don't know of any way to remove "1991" from my car. I don't think a strong enough product exists.

Green Eyes: I'm committed to this car. I've already spent more on the car to keep it in working order than I did when I actually purchased it last August (for that reason, I suppose should probably BE committed). Getting rid of it really isn't an option.

Oh and wouldn't Whitney & Bobby be in for quite a surprise if they tried to snort up all that white powder from the upholstery thinking it actually was/is Cocaine? I don't know from experience, nor do I ever care to find out, but something tells me that snorting baking soda would NOT be a pleasant experience.

Green Eyes said...

As long as you got it on video (W & B), you could make money by selling the tape, then buy yourself a new car.

It's all about having a plan!

phlegmfatale said...

Rip out the carpet, toute-de-suite, darling. Or get a new vehicle.

My last pickup truck ('96 Chevy, of course) had some sort of leak around the window seal on the passenger side, small enough not to be noticed, but the truck smelled mildew-y after every rain. Yuck.

Last summer I got a new vehicle and bequeathed husband with the stinky truck. After all, he's ruggedly heterosexual and should be able to deal with a bit of stanky truck.

Perplexio said...

Green Eyes: The trouble is... I don't want Whitney nor Bobby anywhere NEAR my car... would you?

phlegmfatale: I can deal with the smell but it seems to be an issue with my wife. Apparently my clothes reek of it by the time I get home from work. I just think she has a stronger than normal sense of smell though.

Normlr said...

I had a 1992 Pontiac Grand Am that also had it's own musty smell. It was discovered after I had the interior thoroughly cleaned and shampooed due to the asshole who smashed the passenger window open to steal the 5 year old discman inside. Eventually it went away.

You might want to try getting it professionally cleaned anyways. You sure there isn't a ham sandwich tucked away anywhere?

Perplexio said...

Normlr: I don't generally eat in that car so I doubt the malodorous stench is from food. Besides it's more an issue with my wife who seems to have a heightened sense of smell (especially since she quit smoking back in '02).

I THINK the stench is from the small leak in the sunroof (which doesn't actually work). In certain rainstorms (not ALL storms mind you) the sun roof will leak in one corner right above the passenger seat. I think the moisture seepage into the passenger seat from rain is the cause of the stench but I'm not entirely sure.

Susan as herself said...

OK, in an attempt to outdo Heloise and all the rest, here is something I have done to rid the basement of a horrid, damp smell. Go to Home Depot or such a place and purchase one of those mesh bags that you can hang up---they have some sort of absorbing crytals in there that have no scent themselves. You simply hang or place that in the car, and after a day or two you should notice a difference... works particularly well in damp places. Not sure what the cyrstals are exactly---I just call them magic. My basement has had no smell in over 2 years, with the same bag the whole time. Good luck!

tornwordo said...

Maybe an animal got in and died inside the door panel? As I recall, the Toyota has that panel you can pop off. If that were the case, you would have been treating the wrong area.

:P fuzzbox said...

Fill up your car with wadded up wet newspapers and leave it for a day. The smell migrates to the wet newspaper. Works for beer coolers should work for a car. But it will take a lot of newspaper.

Green Eyes said...

You missed the whole point! If you let Whitney and Bobby in your car, you can take the video that will get you the cash that will get you a NEW car, untarnished by trashy rich people!

See??? Brilliant! And it's not the beer talking, either!

The Phoenix said...

Sounds like mildew to me. That smell is hard to get rid off, especially if the source is hard to reach.

You could try farting in your car on a hot day with all the windows up...the awful greenhouse gasses will easily overpower the mildewy, molding, damp stench.

phlegmfatale said...

True, her sense of smell may be overly-keen, but you still might need to get a new vehicle. I'm just sayin'... (I'm a shopping enabler)

Keshi said...

ting ting...get a new car ;-)


Desireous said...

OMG! I hope something works soon!