Friday, March 24, 2006

Another one from the archives

In 2000 and 2001 (my pre-blogging days) I used to send out these email newsletter things to my friends which had my silly rantings and ravings much like the ones that occassionally still grace my blogs. The following is one I sent out in early May 2001 when I was working my 4th (and final) season at Cedar Point Amusement Park in Sandusky, OH (from May 3, 2001):

Like the missing WD-40 on the grindstone of life…

Yes my friends, it's that time again... I recently was forced to switch lanes in the mouse maze that is my life. That is to say I was involuntarily transferred from Marketing to Merchandise... As many (but not all) of you know, I spent my first 2 seasons in hell with the Merchandise department. After 2 1/2 DAYS back in Merchandising after a 2 year hiatus... I requested a transfer to Guest Services. Ironically, shortly after I requested to be transferred, I was complimented by people in Merchandising on my work ethic. I do tend to work hard for them, not because of the money (that $6.25/hr will make me rich one day, that day won't be today) but more because I get bored out of my mind if I'm not working hard. The harder I work the faster time passes, and the faster time passes the sooner I get to go home and do better things (which includes anything that DOESN'T involve working for the Merchandise department). If the transfer goes through, and I hope it does, instead of being paid $6.25/hr for doing the tedious work of standing behind a cash register for about 8 hours/day in a store that hardly gets any business... not being allowed to sit, read, or do anything else that might facillitate the passage of time, I'll be getting paid $6.25/hr for working in the park, taking marketing surveys, escorting marching bands through the park, babysitting misplaced brats, and using my subtle blend of fertilizer artistry and anal-snogging to calm the frayed nerves of troubled guests. Oh and in the slow times, I WOULD be permitted to actually sit down for a spell. Another plus, unlike most of the Merchandising locations, the lost persons kiosk/house and the Guest Services office are air conditioned to alleviate those hellishly hot dog days of summer.

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Don't get me wrong, the people that work in Merchandising are nice enough, but I'm noticing that at this point, many of them are so numbed by the sheer brainlessness required to work for that department that they don't care. I was once one of them. The fun lacked by the job for these people, from what I can tell, is more than made up for in those few and far between moments when they're off the clock and doing their thang. I hereby propose that the merchandising department be heretofore known as "Mental Novacaine" (for reasons already stated). [Props to Paul, after the short time I've spent back in Merchandising, I completely understand your decision to forego another season in hell and instead remain in Cleveland... to the rest of you, lay off the Cleveland jokes... I propose Cleveland's new slogan be... "Hey, at least it's not New Jersey!"].

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The winner of the last Perplennium was Jason Watts... The pogoball seemed like a good idea... until parents started suing (paraphrased). Jason, you can and should come visit sometime. I reccommend holding off until the cute foreign girls start working here though. I know that's a vague and ambiguous prize... but email me and I'll give you more details (nationalities of said foreign women, measurements of said women, and of course my work schedule to figure out a convenient time for said visit). We'll invite the ladies over for cheese and crackers or somesuch. :-)

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Other than that, news of my world is limited.

I have 2 different Perplennifuns for next time.

For MOST of you: As you've noticed New Jersey is the victim of many of my rantings and ravings (justifiably so). In this Perplennium as you noticed I came up with a new slogan for Cleveland which further disparages NJ. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with a new slogan for New Jersey. The most creative slogan wins.

For Those of you from New Jersey: First, I offer my condolences. Second... your mission, should you choose to accept it is to try to convince me that NJ isn't as bad as I make it out to be. Cite examples of the positive things about NJ in such a way as to convince someone like myself (with a predisposition AGAINST New Jersey) that NJ would be a fun place to have a vacation. I realize I've given you guys a much HARDER assignment, considering that the list of positive and cool things in/about NJ is very short (in fact, I'm skeptical of the existence of such a list).

Good luck and Godspeed,

Perp

9 comments:

The Phoenix said...

$6.25/hour? Oh man, that's slave wage.

I've seen some really funny alternative mottos for states. One I came up with for New Jersey is: "Just ignore the smell."

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The Phoenix said...

I wanna be a secret shopper too!

Perplexio said...

Phoenix: My 4 summers at Cedar Point were some of the best summers of my life. I will always look back on my time there very fondly. I met some great people, had tremendous times, and imbibed copious amounts of alcohol (thus there are a few "fuzzy" or "black" spots from those 4 summers as well). And according to one of my former roomies there was an interesting experience with a gay African-American named Lenny that I have absolutely no memory of (and would prefer to keep it that way)... but you didn't hear that from me....

And the secret shopper too, but only if I'm secretly shopping for products being hawked by penis on behalf of Semen Semenov. ;-)

The Phoenix said...

Sometimes, it's best to not know...especially when it concerns a gay African American named Lenny.

Snooze said...

I don't get why people insult Cleveland so much - I've been there twice and loved it.

Perplexio said...

Phoenix: And he was a "Trekker" too. I made the mistake of calling him a "Trekkie" once and he quickly and summarily corrected me and informed me of the differences between the 2 different kinds of Star Trek fans-- that made him even scarier.

Snooze: I agree. I lived in Northern Ohio for about 2 years and quite enjoyed the area. I sometimes find myself rather homesick for that region.

:P fuzzbox said...

Two different kinds of Star Trek fans? What do one set wear Spock ears and the other doesn't?

Perplexio said...

fuzz: I don't remember the differences. Much to Lenny's chagrin I didn't take notes on the differences between the two kinds of fans.

I daresay the Trekkers are the more pretentious ones as they seem to be the ones who bothered to take the time to come up with the distinction between the two classes of fans. So, I guess I'd say "Trekkers" are "Trekkies that are trying to come off as normal people instead of geeks and instead just come across as being pretentious geeks."