Sunday, July 18, 2010

"Everything she liked was either illegal, immoral, or fattening" (writing exercise)

Everything she liked was either illegal, immoral, or fattening.  Some of the things she liked were all of the above.  For some reason she'd conveniently left this crucial information off of her online dating profile.

I was trying to maintain my svelte two-hundred fifty-eight pound, five foot eleven inch figure so I took personal offense to her love of all things fattening.  I was trying to drop the weight.  I don't see the one-hundred seventy pounds I listed so much a lie as a personal goal.

I didn't mind that she suffered from a mild case of kleptomania.  It saved me a lot of money on dates after all.  She may have been immoral but she was really good at it and that's something.  Isn't it?  I mean we all have to be good at something.

Our first date was at a coffee house and she'd somehow managed to procure two super large white chocolate Macadamia Nut cookies from behind the glass (hey, I told you she was good!) before I arrived.

On our second date we went out for German food.  I never realized there were so many different types of delicious sausage before that night and the latkes we had as an appetizer had been deep fried. . .  in bacon grease.

As our dates progressed I noticed my weight creeping further away from my goal.  I knew I had to draw the line somewhere.  But other than the issue with the fattening foods and my rapdily escalating weight and rapidly decreasing health (not that it was great to begin with) we got along famously.

I loved her red hair. When she'd fall asleep in my arms while watching TV I'd start looking for constellations in her adorable freckles.  I wasn't sure whether or not to be alarmed when I noticed Orion the hunter on her left arm.  In the end I let it go though.

I'm still wondering why she never made issue of the discrepancy between the weight listed in my profile and the reality.  I let that go as well.  She was willing to forgive my wishful thinking and goal-setting.  Who was I to nitpick about her extra-cirricular shoplifting and her wholly unhealthy diet.  The difference between us, she could get away with it.  She had the kind of metabolism where she could burn off a jelly donut and a four egg omelet between the breakfast table and the loo.  I honestly don't know where it all went as her body lied far more about her diet than she actually did.
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The prompt was a framed vintage ad that read simply "Everything she liked was either illegal, immoral, or fattening."  While I wasn't inspired by the picture on the ad, I was inspired by the text.

2 comments:

Mark Juric said...

She liked the narrator. I would liked to have seen you tie the theme to that fact. What about the narrator was illegal, immoral, or fattening that she liked? Did she just generalize fattening to "fat"? Or maybe stretch the concept of fattening to what she was doing to the narrator - fattening him up? He doesn't sound particularly immoral or much of a scofflaw (in complicity perhaps) - so what about him did she like?

Barbara said...

VERY GOOD