In a recent blog entry, Sam de Brito addressed/answered “Why your boyfriend doesn’t want to get married.” He addressed commitment-phobia and other possible reasons. But much like Sam’s blog often does, he got me to thinking… Are men really afraid of commitment? Or is it more a matter of them taking the commitment of marriage more seriously than women?
Before scoffing at such a bold concept, climb aboard my train of logic. Men generally are very results/success driven. That is to say, by and large, we like to be successful in ALL aspects of our lives-- Sports, career, life, love, marriage, family, etc. etc. With the divorce rate being as high as it is, is it really that much of a stretch to believe that men don’t want to contribute to that negative statistic? We want successful marriages and as such we’re a bit choosier, more methodical in our search for the perfect mate. If and when we commit we want to be assured of a high likelihood of success.
To extrapolate on that is the high divorce rate due to:
Couples not taking marriage seriously enough?
Couples having unrealistic expectations of what marriage should be and giving up when those marriages fail to meet their unrealistic expectations?
Divorce being far too common?
A combination of any/all of the above?
I don’t honestly believe that many guys are really that afraid of commitment, I believe it’s more a fear of failure of that commitment working out. Men do tend to be more driven by logic than emotion—it’s not a bad thing or a good thing, it’s just the way many of us are wired.
Marriage is an “investment” for us, not so much a financial one (although that still does play into it in some regards), but also a tremendous time and a rather overwhelming emotional investment. And despite divorce being so common, it’s not exactly easy to do legally or emotionally. Before making that “investment” men like to make sure—at least within reason, that their investment will be a sound one and that they’ll see a positive return on it (lifelong companionship and eventually a family). We want success we don’t want to file for “bankruptcy” (divorce) if we can at all avoid it. And I believe that is what makes men so tentative when making such an important and life-changing commitment.
Another factor in the perceived male fear of commitment is that men are generally more resistant to change than women. If things are going well, why rock the boat? Right? So if a man is happy in a relationship, things are going well—marriage is a change in that. For many yes that may be a positive change, but it’s still a change. When you pair a woman eager to enact positive change with a man who is generally resistant to change, there will be friction. I think what makes successful relationships is the realization that changes happen. You can’t force it any more than you can resist it. Once both people in a relationship realize and accept that they stop expending so much energy in trying to force change (her) or resisting change (him) and more time growing and changing together.Thoughts, ideas, opinions? The floor is yours, discuss amongst yourselves.