Wednesday, March 15, 2006

A Rant from the Vaults...

In parousing some of my old writings I stumbled upon this equal-opportunity insulting rant. If you're an easily offended parent, Mormon, Catholic, Amway Distributor, or if your name is Martha I encourage you to stop reading before you even start...

Otherwise, carry on and enjoy.

Here's one of the more daft mental excursions I had whilst in college....

Right now someone is flushing a used condom down the toilet. Right now someone is blowing their nose free of big juicy thick phlegm. Right now some derelict is sifting through the garbage in NY city looking for what's left of a Tuna Fish sandwich that a little boy didn't want to finish. Why didn't Van Halen think of these things when they wrote "Right Now." Speaking of Van Halen- Right now, David Lee Roth is in Miami doing absolutely nothing. But enough about Van Halen- they aren't worthy of talking or even writing about. They're musicians- the only place they belong in print is in The Globe, The National Enquirer, People Magazine, or any of the other celebrity trash gossip magazines out there.

Celebrity trash magazines. . . What are they good for? They certainly don't make the best reading material. After all they make their money off of gossip and the perceived misfortune of people who are just like anyone else but seem to have money or fame attached to their name. Since when are Liz Taylor and the Royal Family more worthy of print than any of the rest of us? After all some of us have had significant happenings in our lives too- but no one gives a rat's ass about us- because we don't have money and we don't live in Hollywood or travel in the same circles. Yeah- why not right about Billy Bob's affair with his 12 year old first cousin. . . Wait Jerry Springer and Ricki Lake already have him covered- the celeb trash media doesn't need to write about that. I guess the only thing celebrity trash magazines are good for is toilet paper. I mean you can't use them as paperweights or doorstops- they're too thin and flimsy- besides those jobs are already done by the numerous copies of the Book of Mormon I get in the mail because some of my friends thought it would be cute to call the Church of Latter Day Saints and express an interest-- saying they were me.

The Mormons. . . It's still hard to decide whether they're better or worse than the Jehovah's Witnesses or even the Catholics. OH! Am I beginning to step on too many toes. . . Am I beginning to offend! PARDON ME but I really don't care. What's my beef with the Catholics? Where do I begin? I don't really dislike them- I pity them- the whole misguided poor lot of them. Whether or not you're a religious person- come on- you really have to admit they are a bit Holier Than Thou- you can only gain your way to Heaven by going through them. And the whole thing about confession-- do people really need intermediaries to talk to God. If you believe in him- fine- pray away. If not well- that's your prerogative. Oh anyway back to the Mormons. . . According to them Jesus Christ came to the Americas after he was resurrected. If you believe their bill of goods- I have some nice lakefront property I'd like to sell you. . .

Lakefront property- actually I really wouldn't mind some of that. There's a nice big plot in the South Pacific I wouldn't mind buying but I believe it might be a bit expensive. . . And I guess Australia would be considered more ocean front property. I seriously doubt I could afford Australia. . . Not even Bill Gates could afford it- although he might have enough money to rent it for a day or two. I suppose Michigan could easily be considered lakefront property- and I bet Bill Gates could actually afford to buy Michigan. . . Although, why he'd want to- I really don't know. I suppose if he wanted to become an Amway Distributor it might make sense to buy the state. Rich people are so silly-- always doing everything in excess.

Maybe they aren't so silly after all though- a wise man (whose name eludes me at the moment) once said- "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom." Although considering the excesses that the wealthy indulge in- I'd hesitate to say they're wise with their handling of money. But they are rich, and they got that way from doing something right- so maybe the wise man who spewed forth the famous quote was on to something.

I wonder if Bill Gates has said anything worthy of quoting at any point in his life. He's rich enough to have a personal stenographer taking down his every word on and off the job. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if he were in a public bathroom mumbling things to himself in front of a urinal and there was a stenographer with a laptop in one of the stalls typing down his insane mutterings and mumblings. I wouldn't be surprised to someday see a 1,500-2,000 page book on a day in the life of bill Gates- with every minute detail from just a single day. Every blink, nod, twitch, and heartbeat. I would never buy such a book. . . I'd save my money and get the Book On Tape version so I can listen to it at night to put me to sleep.

Speaking of books, I'm reminded of my high school's librarian. She was a nice enough lady- but her name was Martha. Maybe it's just me but Martha is such an old lady sounding name. I can picture a young girl named Martha asking Mommy about her dentures or asking for a nice glass of Metamucil or Fiber-Con. To me the name Martha just screams old- even as an infant- I picture a baby so wrinkled that it seems to have "dishpan body."

Speaking of infants and children, they can be so damn annoying at times. Don't you just hate it when you're trying to watch TV and the whiney little brats come in and start whining about watching Barney. I really don't see why they whine so much when I eat the last popsicle from the freezer or pelt a snowball at them in the dead of winter- I mean really- it's only blood- it'll wash off!!!! Pain is only temporary.

I remember trick-or-treating when I was a kid. There were so many interesting costumes that could be made. There was the Charles Schwab on vacation costume, the ATM, and the vampire clown- all of which were personal favorites of mine. And then there were the store bought ones that looked like glorified hospital gowns. In fact trick-or-treating in a hospital gown would be far more inventive than doing so in any of those store-bought costumes. After all-- if you don't like the candy you're given all you have to do is turn around and bend over and you're mooning the poor unsuspecting cheap twit who gave you the single jelly bean.

I always thought Halloween would be the perfect day for traveling salesmen, Jehovah's Witnesses, or Amway Distributors. I think it would work especially well for Amway Distributors. Just dress your kids up in standard businesswear, give them briefcases full of Amway tapes and for every house they stop at they leave off a tape and business card and replace it with candy in the briefcase. I'm sure it would gain curious response from many but it may actually generate enough interest to get a few calls back from prospects.

Many people find the torture devices of the middle ages and inquisition era to be rather appalling and outmoded. And some find the interrogation tactics of the Gestapo to have been rather brutal. Maybe so-- but they do have a useful purpose that many people don't think of. Just think of how many traveling salesmen and religious fanatics you could turn away just by taking one into your basement and showing off your rack and iron maiden and offering them a seat in a dimly lit corner with a single chair. I doubt you'd ever actually have to use any of the torture devices or employ your knowledge of the Gestapo's interrogation tactics. The "subtle" hinting would probably be enough to send most people running for the door. It may not work on Amway distributors though, I just have a feeling they'd try to convince me that the torture devices THEY sell are far superior to the ones I already have and that they have plenty of books and tapes on proper Amway "sales pitches."

I suppose there is a down side to having torture devices in your basement. People might hesitate to invite you over for dinner parties and along with your unwelcome guests, many of the people you wouldn't mind actually spending time with would also be turned away. And unless you're into dating dominatrixes, your love life would probably come to a bit of a sputtering halt. For some reason, many people raise serious objections to the idea of raising children in that kind of environment, so I suppose you'd have to sell the rack and iron maiden in a garage sale once your ready to settle down with a family. They may not sell that fast unless you have connections with one of the Hollywood studios- they're always looking for those authentic looking props.

Garage Sale-ing isn't that one of the most ridiculous terms anyone has ever come up with. When I hear it said all I can picture is garage "SAILing." People taking worn out sheets and curtains using them as sails and trying to convert their garages into giant seaworthy schooners. That would be no simple task, mind you and it would most certainly draw unwanted attention from your neighbors, especially if you live in Colorado, Nebraska, or some other land-locked region. And I certainly wouldn't be surprised if people were to start calling you Noah or asking when the flooding is going to start.

No comments: