Can't sleep tonight. I'm exhausted- but I'm wide awake. The flickering light of my alarm clock is keeping time to the memories that keep flashing through my head. . . bad memories. . . memories I don't want to be having. I just want peace. I've been looking for peace. . . for refuge from this. . . all of it. I want the memories to fade, hell I want them to disappear completely. The trouble is no matter how hard I try to expunge them, no matter how hard I try to not think about them. I can't believe I've been dumped.
It's about 4:30 am, my head is throbbing, my eyes are heavy, my body is screaming GO TO SLEEP! The foul substances of my previous escapes tempts me, but I try to resist. It's been a rough week, and I'll admit I've been downing a bit too much alcohol. I went through a phase a few years back when I'd take a few extra pain-killers than what the bottle suggested. The bottle said not to take more than eight in a twenty four hour period- I was smart- never did that. I took seven at once though. There was my Vivarin phase when I figured if I got hyper enough I'd be too busy trying to figure out things to do to burn off my energy to think about what was bothering me.
I scan the fridge noticing a bottle of Mad Dog, a few bottles of beer, a fifth of Peach Schnapps, and a six-pack of draft cider. Scanning the fridge I notice that the only non-alcoholic beverage left is Milk. Warm milk would help. . . if I weren't lactose intolerant. Even though I know a small drink would take the edge off, it would help me sleep- I know it's not the answer.
*SLAM*, I shrug and go back to the couch. Maybe there's something on TV worth watching. *CLICK* Jerry Springer. "My boyfriend left me for a woman."- No thanks. *CLICK*The Psychic Friends Network- Infomercial. *CLICK* Hardcastle and McCormick re-run- I never liked that show. *CLICK*Anthony Robbins motivat- ACK! not only is it an infomercial- it's a motivational speaker. No the TV won't help, not tonight at least.
Maybe if I e-mail my girlfriend and tell her what's up. . . Wait- that's right she dumped me- that's why I can't sleep in the first place. I was going to ask her to marry me. I had it all planned out. I was going to give her a rose first with a card attached saying- "With this rose I ask you to love me for today" and then I was going to get down on one knee, give her the ring and say, "with this ring I ask you to love me for forever." Oh well! I guess that's six or seven hundred dollars I won't have to spend.
"STOP! You're rationalizing again."
"What's wrong with that?"
"You hurt- don't keep it in!"
"That's what got you into this mess in the first place."
Now, I'm talking to myself- this is great. . . Maybe I just need to find a release. Possibly some mild calisthenics. Ten or twenty elevated push ups, fifteen or twenty sit ups, twenty stomach curls. Man it hurts- I'm out of shape. I'm re-discovering muscles I'd long forgotten about. The physical pain is good-it keeps my mind off of the emotional pain.
Maybe I should talk to my roommate, he said I could talk to him any time. . . Day or night. I know I can trust him with things like this - something is holding me back though. I think he knows something is up- I haven't been myself lately. I've been a mess the past week. Nice girlfriend I had- she walked out on the relationship when I needed her most.
"Wake up Steve!"
"No, he needs his sleep."
"You're a mess, you won't get any better trying to handle this on your own."
"He has an 8 am class- that REALLY wouldn't be fair."
"And the fact that you're awake at five a.m. is?"
"I don't have any classes though."
I really am not sure what I'm waiting for. . . maybe an absolution, an absolution for the mistakes of my past. Maybe I'm just waiting for the memories to fade- I know with time they will and I look forward to that. I still remember the day Kim and I first kissed. We had been working together all summer and spending much of our time off the clock together as well. After work we'd pick out one of the films I had on video and go to the lounge of her dorm and watch it there. This was the routine every night- then things changed.
We decided to watch a film in my room instead of with her friends in the dorm lobby.
My summer roommate was asleep- he could sleep through a hurricane. I'm not sure what film we chose to watch that night but I believe it was Strange Brew. We got tired and fell asleep, our heads leaning against each other, when we woke up our lips were less than an inch apart. I could feel her breath on my lips. We sat like that for what seemed like an eternity before our lips met. Our tongues twisted in each other's mouths, my fingertips gently brushed her soft cheeks. When we finally opened our eyes and looked at each other all I could think was- WOW, why didn't I do that sooner.
I'm sorry that she had to see me this depressed. It's not pretty. I haven't been this. . . Hell, I don't even know the word to describe what I am right now, but I haven't been like this in a long time. I tried to tell Kim how I felt, I mean I was depressed before she dumped me. It didn't help that I had been drinking every night for over a week. She had a real problem with the drinking, she always did. She said she came from a family of alcoholics. I told her everything about my past all of the secrets- all of the things that had ever troubled me. Hell some stuff I didn't even know bothered me until I told her about it.
Maybe I can find some soothing music on the radio. . .
"I can not live without you. . ."
"Breaking up is ha. . ."
"I remember the feeling, I remember the way she. . ."
"If I had a wish, I'd wish you here with. . ."
"Love bites, Love bleeds. . ."
Maybe I just need to smoke. Kim used to smoke too. I remember the time I bought some cigarettes for her. She was over eighteen at the time, she just didn't have her ID. Then there was the time I talked her into smoking one of my stogies. Not a cheap stogie either, one of the good ones I got from the cigar/magazine store in the local mall on my day off that week. She looked sort of funny smoking it and she never smoked another after that. In fact she gave up smoking cigarettes shortly after.
Yeah, a smoke would come in handy. Not in the room though, it'll wake my roommate and he'll have a shit-fit. He's a smoker too but neither of us ever smoke in the room. Something about the smell of smoke getting all over everything. The sweet smoke enters my mouth. . . I hold it for a split second before letting it go. Never inhale cigar smoke.
"What time is it?"
"Man I'm tired."
Talking to myself again. I've really got to quit doing that. They lock people up for doing things like that. I guess it's okay though. I'm alone, it's not like anyone will hear me. Besides no one in their right mind is awake at this hour… At least not at this college, and not on a Thursday night. The memory of the phone call last night is still fresh in my mind.
"Honey, a part of me will always love you." Damn, that's trite. When I heard that I knew it was over.
"Don't say it's over!" Man I must have sounded pathetic.
"I'm sorry, but we've changed." We did? I don't remember changing.
"No we haven't."
"Yes we have. I don't feel the same for you." That FUCKING SUCKS because I DO. Nothing has changed for me.
"We haven't. . ."
"I'm afraid so. I'm sorry honey, I really am!" Not as sorry as I am. I was going to marry her. She was the one.
"When did you decide this? A few days ago you said we were just in a slump and you thought we'd be okay. What changed?!"
"Well the drinking was the straw that broke the camel's back. You don't know how much that hurt me." And she doesn't know how much she hurt me.
"I've quit." As of that day I had, "Won't you reconsider?"
"I'm sorry. I have to go."
And she's gone, what now?